A Bird in the Hand

April 14, 2008

Now, here is a situation and I would like to discuss the best means of handling it. 

I had just parked my car.  I had to bring a ton of stuff into my apartment so I loaded all of it into my hands.  I had to make a phone call, so before my hands were entirely full I made the call and held the phone between my ear and my shoulder.  So, here I am hands full, head tilted walking from my car to my apartment. 

I reach an intersection just a handful of seconds after a car pulled up to the stop sign.  Technically, they should have driven through first and I should have waited until they drove off and then crossed the street – however, this gentleman gave me the go ahead to cross in front of him since I was carrying a ton of stuff, nice guy. 

As I’m crossing the street I want to acknowledge the nice thing the guy did.  I didn’t want to be that jerk who he lets cross the street then I don’t even show him that I appreciated his gesture.  But here’s the conundrum – ordinarily a hand wave would be perfect here.  Hand wave, a smile, and a mouthed, “thank you” make that.  But my hands were full.  So when this happens a head nod, smile, and a mouthed, “thank you” is generally acceptable.  However, I have my head tilted down because I’m on the phone and I can’t risk dropping my phone.  So as I reached the middle of the street I stopped, shuffled some things around in my hands so that I could muster up a free right hand to wave to the guy to show him how grateful I was.  As I am waving I am looking at the guy and he proceeds to honk his horn and motion with his hand for me to get out of the road, out of his way.  That Jerk!

I was just trying to not be rude and the guy has the nerve to honk at me.  When I got back to my apartment I relayed this story to my roommate.  He disagreed with my stance.  He is under the impression that it was my duty to get across the street as fast as possible since somebody had willingly let me go before them.  His thought was that in that situation it is understood that I would thank the driver if I could and since I could not that I have to get across as fast as possible.  I disagreed and said that somebody in that situation should stop and acknowledge the driver.

This is a tough one.  Any thoughts/comments on this are appreciated.


Top 5 Disabilities I Wouldn’t Mind Having

April 8, 2008

I went through an official medical list of disabilities and assigned a point value (1-10) of the pros and cons of each disability.  The disabilities were then ranked by the highest difference (pros – cons) and then adjusted with a sympathy factor (+/- up to 3 points) since you can never underestimate the sympathy factor.  People will do anything for you when they feel bad for you so this has to be factored in.  This is not making light of any disabilities and by no means do I wish any of these upon myself, however if I had to choose between them this would be my order.


Cons – The ultimate negative here, which I would’t be able to stand if I was deaf, is that anytime anybody moves their hands you have to look over at them because, hey – maybe they’re talking to you, maybe they’re just scratching their head, but you still have to look over to find out.  Sitting around reading a book and someone in the room has something in their eye?  Well everytime they reach up to itch it you have to look over because what if one of those times they were raising their hand to tell you that the house is on fire?  Also, you aren’t able to hear people or cars coming which makes things more difficult.  Not being able to hear people coming makes you 100% easier to sneak up on and scare, I get started enough on a day by day basis and that certainly wouldn’t help.  Overall Cons – 6/10

Pros – The biggest pro is that I wouldn’t have to talk on the phone to my girlfriend anymore.  Every single night I can etch out a solid hour or 2 that are gone, completely wasted like dust to the wind talking to my gf on the phone.  Being deaf maybe I would have to talk to her online everynight, but at least then you can surf the internet easily and take your time responding.  I’d definitely opt for that.  Keeping in line, another positive is that most people converse through the internet these days anyways.  People just send emails or messages or type all day.  For my job I could easily be deaf, all I do is send out emails all day.  Another bonus is that after my gf breaks up with me because I am playing a game online rather than talking to her, being deaf I would now be able to speak two languages – and I think chicks dig that.  Besides knowing sign language I think I would also become very proficient with reading lips which can always come in handy since I am convinced people talk about me behind my back all day.  The main question, though, that it comes down to is would I trade never hearing the Beatles again for never hearing my girlfriend nag me again?  Tough call.  Overall Pros – 6/10

Difference – 0  Sympathy Factor – 0, I don’t think people really are that sympathetic towards deaf people and are extra nice to them because of it.  Overall Score – 0


Cons – I was a little surprised to see dwarfism listed as a disability, but then I thought about it and it definitely is one.  Let’s face it, the world was not created for little people.  The main detriment that I can think of is that being a dwarf you probably need an excessive amount of sweaters and jackets since warm air rises.  I don’t know for sure, but I imagine that dwarfs wardrobes is all winter clothing.  Also, everything when you are little is a hassle.  Getting onto the couch pretty much becomes an Olympic event each day.  Once you are situated somewhere you have to stay there for a couple of hours because getting down is such a hassle.  Also, people walk into you all the time because they can’t see you.  Sporting events you can’t see over anybody in the stands.  You would have to splurge on front row seats just to go to a sporting event.  That would quickly add up.  Overall Cons – 5/10

Pros – The main pro, which is a pretty good one now that I think about it – is that you can always pass for a teenager and hit on 16 year old girls.  The thought of being 30 and dating a 16 year old is not so bad.  And plus when I was actually 16 I had no idea how to talk to girls, I still have no idea – but I think by the time I am 30 I  will have it figured out.  I would have so many interesting, smart things to say to them that I could easily seal the deal with 16 year olds.  If you’re not into that kind of thing, as a dwarf there is a limited dating pool, which is positive as well.  Dwarfs generally don’t date non-dwarfs so every dwarf girl you have a chance with.  There are no, or very few, dwarf super athletes or movie stars or CEO’s of company’s that you have to contend against – so all male dwarfs are really playing on the same field which would be nice.  You could also fit in very small spaces which is great for hiding from people.  I always imagine people are breaking into my apartment and am constantly searching for places to hide from them.  Being a dwarf would open up endless places to hide from intruders which could one day end up saving my life.  Overall Pros – 6/10

Difference – +1  Sympathy Factor – +1, I think people are fairly willing to help out and be nice to somebody because they are a dwarf.  Overall Score – +2.

3:Wheelchair Bound (Motorized)

Cons – I had to specify for the record that I would never opt for the manual wheelchair, I would 100% spring for the motorized version.  I’ll never understand who wouldn’t.  What else are you going to spend money on?  It’s not even like a bed where you spend 1/4 of your life in so you should spring for the best version – you’re spending 100% of your life in this thing – get the top of the line comfortable motorized chair.  I’ll never understand some people.  Also, why are there not more wheelchair bound people who are overweight?  Shouldn’t everybody in a wheelchair be overweight, how do they get exercise?  To start with negatives, you can throw doing anything athletic right out the window, which is a fairly solid blow.  I guess there are wheelchair sports, but I don’t think I would participate in them.  I could imagine getting a flat wheelchair tire or if anything happens to the functionality of your wheelchair you are pretty much out of commission for a long time.  Overall Cons – 4/10

Pros – The biggest pro’s are fairly easy to spot.  Handicapped parking is a fantastic fringe benefit.  I think every single one of us has had a fantasy that involved getting a handicapped parking spot at one point or another.  The other benefit are those fantastic handicapped public bathrooms.  Those things are a palace.  They’re the size of my apartment.  The world has really adapted to the wheelchair bound at this point.  Everything is handicap accessable with ramps, elevators and the such.  Also, is there anything a lazy man could hope more for than a motorized wheelchair?  I don’t think so.  Another pro is that you never have to fend for your own chair.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to a bar and had to stand the whole time because there were no seats or gone to the conference room at work and had to stand for an entire meeting because there were no chairs.  Built in chair, not too shabby.  Overall Pros – 6/10

Difference – +2  Sympathy Factor – +1, people always will feel bad for the wheelchair handicapped bound and willing to go out of their way to help them out.  Overall Score – +3


Cons – The main negative is that it takes forever to get an idea out when you think of something.  Another big one is that it is a hidden disability, which you would think is good that people can’t tell that you’re a stutterer right away, however it is kind of like false advertising – you talk to a girl and she thinks you are normal, then you start stuttering away and she is dissapointed vs. like not having an arm where the other people can tell right away and there is no let down moment.  Remember, under-promise & over-deliver.  The last negative is that it rules out any job or position that involves speaking with people on a regular basis.  I once dealt with a stuttering person who was my account manager and I had to terminate our agreement eventually because his calls took forever.  Overall Con Rating – 3/10

Pros – A huge positive here is that it must be so much easier to lie for stutterers, right?  Anytime you want to you can fake a stutter to buy yourself a couple extra seconds to think.  Girlfriend questions your whereabouts the night before?  I have to come up with something right on the spot, if I had a stutter I could stutter out the first 3 or 4 words and give myself a solid 30 seconds or so to think it through.  I lie a lot, and by a lot I mean almost everything I say is a lie.  And whenever I’m caught off guard by a line of questioning and start stammering and stuttering around the person can tell that I’m lying.  Not so if I had a stutter.  Then stuttering and stammering about would be how I reacted to every question, not just when caught off guard.  Another smaller pro is that I think people like sleeping with stutterers more so than non-stutterers.  Sleeping with a stutterer is the ultimate confidence raiser.  Sleep with a normal girl and you get, “Oh, you’re so good…” if you’re sleeping with a stutterer that suddenly turns into, “Oh-oh-ohhh, yo-you’re so go-go-goo-oo-ood..”  Now, tell me that wouldn’t make you feel like a champ.  Overall Pros – 8/10

Difference – +5  Sympathy Factor – -1, nobody really feels bad for a stutterer.  They are more mocked than sympathized with.  Overall Score – +4

1:Memory Loss

Cons – I really had a tough time coming up with any negatives for this.  I really have no good childhood memories I would miss.  My parents still maintain that the happiest they ever saw me was when they told me I had to empty the dishwasher and I went to empty it and the dishes were still dirty so I didn’t end up having to do it.  They said I danced around the house in joy.  That should shed some light into a very dismal childhood that I don’t think memory loss would really hurt so much.  The only real negative is that you can’t hold a steady job or retain any information.  This would be quite a negative blow to my Trivial Pursuit game as I am generally considered undefeated in the game.  And I guess when you think of any good ideas you would have to write them down or you would have no chance of remembering, but I am pretty much at that stage already.  Overall Cons – 3/10

Pros – Every day is a new day, literally.  The unbeleivable college basketball championship game that took place last night – people could tell me that the game was tonight and I could watch a taped version of it and relive that thrill over and over again.  I could live in a recurring world where everyday was Super Bowl Sunday or the 2001 World Series.  Is that such a bad life?  I don’t think so.  Goodfellas is a masterpiece of a movie, but even I get sick of watching it the 5th straight day.  With memory loss – no such problem.  I could live very happily in my small bubble of a world.  It would just be held up upon my family/friends telling me that each day was the 2004 Kentucky Derby and that I bet on Smarty Jones to win.  I think I could genuinely be happy.  Overall Pros – 9/10

Difference – +6  Sympathy Factor – +2, I think people feel genuinely very bad for others with memory loss and would do whatever it takes to help out and make this peron’s life as full as possible.  Overall Score – +8

So memory loss it is in a blow out.  In fact after going through this it’s 50/50 I don’t try to enact this upon myself.  I think it is a pretty solid list.  Beforehand I thought being deaf would definitely be one of the top 1 or 2 disabilities, but after going through all of the pros and cons it only showed up 5th on my list. 

If you disagree with this list, feel free to post your own rankings of these disabilities or any others you think would be better to have and we can discuss.  

Saluting the Flag?

April 7, 2008

Is it just me or do flags have it pretty good these days?  Nobody will ever disrespect the flag.  So, is it crazy to imagine myself being treated similarly?  Now, I don’t want to sound unpatriotic, but what is people’s fascination with flags?  Can anyone tell me this?

I started thinking about this when I was at a baseball game last week.  People, en masse, raise up to salute the flag to sing to the flag to respect the flag.  These same people had cut in front of my car to steal my parking spot almost killing me, walked directly into me almost knocking me down – and when I said, “Excuse me?” these same people gave me the finger and told me to go “Fuck myself.”  One guy even spit in my direction, almost landing on my shoes because I was wearing the away teams hat.

Does this strike anyone else as insane?  That an inanimate object, a flag, is treated about 30-40 times better than I am.  I am a living human, complete with feelings and emotions and people spit on me.  They curse at me.  Yet, when it comes to the flag – noooo, can’t say anything bad about the flag – have to take off your hat and salute the flag, be silent and respectful to the flag.

And if people treated the flag the way they treated me?  Could you imagine the uproar?  Could you imagine if people in the parking lot ran over, cursed at and spit on a flag?  Every single person watching would have run to the flag’s rescue.  They would have gone beserk and attacked the perpetrators and and called the local authorities.  Yet when this happens to me?  Nothing.  Passers by just went about their day like nothing happened, some even laughing to themselves.  Is that so funny that I’m treated worse than a piece of cloth?

Is it too much to ask for a society where I’m treated better than an inanimate object?  Is that really such a crazy notion?  Is nobody else boggled by the fact that if you do anything disrespectful to a flag you are thrown in jail and considered a second class citizen where if you do the same thing to me there are no consequences?  Can somebody please explain this to me.  Again, I’m as patriotic as the next guy.  I understand it’s not just the flag, but what it stands for – but still, shouldn’t I be treated at least as well as the flag?  Is that really too much to ask for?  I beg somebody to answer this for me, please.

Update – no pictures of black men holding an umbrella (one post below) so far so the pot for sending me one is growing.  The list of 5 disabilities that I wouldn’t mind having will be published tomorrow. 



Do Black Men Not Use Umbrellas?

April 4, 2008

I have a theory – and a chance for you to win some money.  Read on. 

One of my good friends growing up was black.  A couple of years ago he and another friend (white) were over my place during a huge thunderstorm.  We decided to go see a movie since we are very uncreative and whenever it rains we automatically go see a movie since we long ago gave up on trying to amuse ourselves.  So, like a good host I offered both of them umbrellas for the walk to the car.  The following is the conversation that took place:

Me: You guys want umbrellas?

White Friend: Yeah, definitely.

Black Friend: Nah, I’m ok.

Me: What are you crazy? It’s pouring out, take an umbrella.

Black Friend: Nah, I don’t need one, I’m fine.  I’ll just pull my jacket over my head.

Me: That’s crazy – just take an umbrella, it’s raining, why wouldn’t you want one?

He never did end up taking that umbrella and it never did stop bothering me.  Why wouldn’t he just take the umbrella?  If it’s raining and man has invented something that stops the rain from falling on you – wouldn’t you think people would be clamoring to use umbrellas anytime it rained?  There’s no disadvantage – the only time they’re annoying is when it is windy and they blow inside out – but other than that umbrellas function very well.  So, as we were driving to the movies it still bothered me that he wouldn’t take that stupid umbrella – it weighed on my mind and I started thinking and, in a moment of absolute clarity, I realized that I had never in my life seen a black man holding an umbrella.  It clicked, it was my E=MC2 moment.  I had to confirm this.

Me: Chris (Black Friend), have you ever seen your dad using an umbrella?

Chris: Um, I don’t know – I don’t think so.  Why?

Me: No reason

Ah, but little did he know there was a reason.  A huge reason – I was on to discovering the greatest theory since Einstein’s theory of relativity or Newton’s theory of gravity – my theory of black men not using umbrellas.

On a side note, can we all agree that Isaac Newton would be the absolute worst father you could ever have?  I mean, could you imagine being the son of the guy who invented calculus?  You’re telling me this kid didn’t get beaten up every single day after school.  And I’m sure he didn’t appreciate the irony that most people that are bad at calculus are good at football and hitting things.

Anyways, back to my theory.  So it was around this date about three and a half years ago that I first enumerated this theory and made it a point that any time it rained to be on the lookout for any black men with umbrella’s.  I slowly spread the word of my theory to other intellects and had them be on the lookout during rainstorms for black men using umbrellas.  Three and a half years later I am happy to announce that after the rainstorm that befell last night and into this morning in which I witnessed around 8 black men caught in it – all without umbrellas – I think my theory has seen enough black men without umbrellas to make it statistically significant enough that I can proudly move this up from a theory to a law. 

It is now the Law of Black Men Not Using Umbrellas.  As you can see, the main difference of a theory and a law is that laws are capitalized, making them much more official.

Just on a hunch before I decided to move this from a theory to a law I decided to do a Google image search of “black man holding an umbrella” to see if I was just crazy or if I was really on to something.  As I was typing in the words into the search bar I started getting nervous that all of my hard work would be exposed in a matter of seconds – but I knew I had to be a good scientist and do all of the fact digging before releasing my finding to the world.

Here is what the results returned – http://images.google.com/images?um=1&hl=en&rls=com.microsoft%3A*%3AIE-SearchBox&rlz=1I7DMUS&q=black+man+using+an+umbrella

I looked through the first 4 pages of results and I was thrilled that none of them returned a photo of a black man using an umbrella!!!  After I confirmed with Google that no such thing existed I felt much better about turning my theory into a law and publishing it to the public.

If you have ever seen a black man with an umbrella I beg, beg you to send me a picture of it at shurtain@gmail.com.  There will be a cash prize of $1 a day (meaning for every day nobody sends me a picture I will add $1 to the pot – up to $15 $30 – starting today at $1) to the first person who sends me a home picture (meaning not photoshopped or found off a website – even though I don’t think it exists anywhere and that you could scour the web for days and not find it [I spent all morning Googling it today] – I would like the confirmation that somebody saw it in person) of a black man holding an umbrella.  I don’t think that photo exists, I really don’t – some say you have a better chance of capturing a photo of the loch ness monster – but I am willing to pay to be proven wrong.  I implore you, beg you to scour your old photo albums for such a photo or to have your camera’s ready if it rains in the next couple of weeks.  You will make my day if you find this picture.

Also, there is a little strategy at work here if you have a picture of a black man holding an umbrella.  Do you send it in right away and only win a couple of dollars or do you wait and try to cash in on the full $30 – but maybe someone sends it in first and you lose.  Tough call.  Best of luck.

5 Things That I Am Glad Are Not Masculine

April 2, 2008

I strongly recommend reading the last post before this one.  It will help put everything in a little bit more context.

Now, moving on to a sister post from the last one which was “5 Things That I Wish Were Masculine” is this list of “5 Things That I Am Glad Are Not Masculine”.  There are certain times in a given day or week where things happen and I sit back and count my lucky stars that those actions are not considered masculine.  If any of the items below ever become considered masculine it will be a dark day in American society for males. 

And yes, this is also a feeble attempt to gain back some manliness after the last post. 

5:Caring About Your Appearance                                                        For all of the metrosexual guys who are “raising the bar” for how every guy has to dress all I have to say is, “What are you thinking?”  I will never understand why people would choose to get dressed up and put gel in their hair.  Don’t guys understand that women need us – if we all banded together we could get away with wearing sweatpants and having hat hair all of the time.  But nooo, certain guys have to put gel in their hair and throw on fancy shirts.  Why would they do this?  Why would they choose to be uncomfortable rather than in sweatpants?  Every guy should look down and if you see yourself in anything other than sweatpants you should right now curse every metrosexual.  It’s not so bad right now for guys, but it’s heading down a treacherous path.  I couldn’t be happier that right now dressing nicely is not considered manly and that we are allowed to get away with 3 day old stains and mis-matching outfits. 

4:Doing Volunteer Work                                                                       There’s two types of giving back.  Giving back with your wallet and giving back with your time.  It just so happens, and I didn’t make it so, that the gender divide has made it acceptable – even encouraged – for men to donate money to charity and for women to donate their time.  Now, is it acceptable for a man to go to Costa Rica to re-build houses for the homeless?  Yes, sorta.  Nobody will call him “gay” for doing this, however he will still be a notch if not two or three notches below his fellow man and will have to endure the other guys mouths saying things like, “Oh, how many houses did you build?” while their faces say things like, “So, you still think you can save the world? How cute.”  And I couldn’t be happier about this.  I am thrilled that I can just write a check and clear my conscious rather than having to actually get up and do something and it’s perfectly acceptable by society’s standards.  I fully agree that people should get up and give back, just as long as it’s other people.  Look, my parents worked long and hard to provide me with a good life – I’m not going to throw it back in their face and live on a migrant farm helping children to read.  My parents would say, “Why did we work hard to send you to a top college?  So that you can go work on a migrant farm?  Get a job.”  So I’m going to stay in my nice air conditioned apartment with my nice TV so that my parents know I appreciate all that they have done for me.

3:Crying to Someone Else                                                                Now, after reading the last post (#2) you may be surprised to see this entry on this list – let me explain.  There is a huge difference between crying and crying to someone else.  There is a huge difference between sitting around watching a movie and crying your eyes out and calling your friend to cry about something going on in your life.  The first one I wish was considered masculine while the second I thank God every night that it’s not.  I couldn’t imagine a male friend of mine ever calling me in tears to complain about a girlfriend or his job.  I couldn’t imagine anything worse.  If this was considered acceptable in society I would definitely have to get rid of the three friends I currently have.  It’s bad enough when my girlfriend calls me crying because her boss may or may not have given her a mean look.  Every time she calls me crying I immediately take a deep breath, mull over any possible outs I have, come to the realization that the next hour of my life is gone forever, then go and turn on a sporting event with the TV muted.  To any girls reading this I would bet that 85% of the time you are crying on the phone to a guy he is watching sports on mute.  This is another testament to how great sports are as it’s the only thing you can watch on TV on mute and enjoy just as much.  It’s not that I don’t care that she’s upset, I, of course, don’t want her to be upset – I just don’t want to be the one to have to make her feel better.  The only thing acceptable to call crying about is anything health related within family/friends and pets that you’ve had for over 12 years.  That’s it.  Anything else, it’s life – you’ll get over it.

2:Cheerleading                                                                                           I defy anybody reading this to come up with anything positive to say about cheerleading.  And, keep in mind, there is a difference between cheerleding and cheerleaders.  I can think of positive things about cheerleadersa positive thing to say about cheerleaders, namely that some of them are hot.  That’s it.  That’s all they’ve got.  I promise that you’ll never read a headline that says, “Cheerleader Cures Cancer!” or “Cheerleader Saves Baby From Burning Building!” It just won’t happen.  Now, for all of the pointlessness of cheerleaders, at least some of them are attractive to watch dance.  If cheerleading was considered masculine and I had to sit and watch grown men dance during timeouts I think I would be forced into giving up sports.  And if I had to give up sports I have no idea how I would cope with my girlfriend calling me in tears.  If #’s 3 and 2 were both considered masculine I think my head would explode.

1:Working With Kids                                                                               I worked at a summer camp for one summer with a bunk of 4 year olds.  And all I can tell you definitively about kids is that they pee a lot – kids peed on my shoes, peed on my towel, and I do not want to even get started on the pool.  I don’t even think they filled the pools with a hose, I think they just had the kids pee to fill it up.  But, hey, at least the water was warm.  Just thinking about how working with those little mongrels as a male is considered dainty makes me smile.  I will fight vehemently to make sure it stays this way.  And kids are just so dumb.  My current adult co-workers are moronic enough, I don’t think I could handle children’s antics all day.  This goes into action until kids get to about senior year of high school or college.  Then I wouldn’t mind working with them because at this point you can really shape their mind into thinking exactly what you think.  I could raise a whole generation of kids who hate inane things like camping & bowling and who sit and criticize everything from the comforts of their own home while never contributing anything themselves.  On second thought, maybe that’s not such a good idea.

If you feel there’s anything I missed that you are glad is not masculine please chime in.  Or if you just want to tell me how smart I am, that’s acceptable as well. 

Also, it seems people like lists more than my usual posts.  Can you people not follow regular posts?  Everything has to be numbered for you to follow?  If I numbered my paragraphs would that help?  But either way, I will try to post an interesting list once a week.  So, if you want to skip my regular posts – check back next week as I count down the top 5 disabilities I wouldn’t mind having.  Enjoy.

5 Things That I Wish Were Masculine

April 1, 2008

There comes a time, or many times in my case, in every guys life where he faces a situation that puts him at a crossroads.  He knows exactly how he wants to act and he also knows exactly how society feels about men acting that way – namely, that it’s gay. 

So here is my list of 5 things that I wish were considered manly:

5:  Drinking Soda/Tea With a Straw                                                 Why do I have to brown teeth just because I’m a man?  I don’t like it.  It has been effusively proven  that drinking soda/tea causes your teeth to become a gross amalgamation of yellow and brown that is absolutely disgusting.  Nobody wants brown teeth – that’s a fact – so why are men – pre-emptively excluded from preventing this?  It’s not fair.  Just because I’m a male I can’t use a straw?  So, I like to drink tea – sue me.  And, for the benefit of my teeth I would like to drink it with a straw – is that so wrong?  Is that a crime?  According to my male counterparts it pretty much is and I won’t stand for it anymore.  I wish using a straw to drink tea was considered masculine so that I wouldn’t have to feel like a second class citizen for not wanting brown teeth.

4: Whining/Complaining                                                                                                      As anybody who knows me or has read more than two sentences of this blog knows, I like to whine.  And, anybody who has lived in our society for more than two days knows that if you are a grown man and you whine you are not so lovingly called, “a bitch”.  I’ll never understand why men can’t whine without being called degrading names.  If the cleaning guy at our office picks his nose while talking to me (which happened this morning and you’re lucky didn’t turn into an entire Bonus Track) then I’m going to whine about it and try to get him fired.  I don’t care that he escaped a dictatorship and was forced from his home and came to America then had to go back to find his family and bring them to America with him – if he picks his nose he should be fired.  A cleaning person picking their nose is pretty much the exact opposite of what they are supposed to do.  It’s like a meter maid stuffing quarters into expired meters – the exact opposite of what they should be doing.  So why can’t I complain about this without people saying, “stop being a little bitch?”?  Hmmmn?  I’ll tell you why – because people are morons. 

3:Eating Healthy/Not Eating Meat                                                          I go out to eat with a group of guys and the waitress takes our orders, “Burger and fries”, “Roast beef w/ extra beef”, “Steak – rare”, “French onion soup with medium house salad – dressing on the side.”  Take a wild guess which order is mine.  And take a wild guess who gets called 6-8 different versions of female anatomy.  This was forever immortalized in Seinfeld when Jerry orders the salad at the steak restaurant and while I think the recent surge of being healthy in America has made some headway in reducing the femininity of not eating meat – there is still a long ways to overcome.  Why does not eating meat make you a woman?  Can somebody please explain this to me?  So I feel bad for the animals.  I have a conscious.  I don’t preach to others to not eat meat, I just choose not to myself.  Is that so wrong?  When, because of health reasons, it gets fully to the point where it is acceptable for men to not eat meat – I want a full apology from every fast-food burger loving idiot for somehow managing to say through his clogged arteries and mouth full of cow for saying, “you don’t eat meat?  you fag!”  I’ll be waiting.

2:Crying                                                                                                               This might be a little controversial.  Crying is probably considered the least manly thing on the planet.  But you know what?  Sometimes you can’t help it.  Sometimes those tears come a-pouring out and there’s no stopping them.  I defy any man to see Billy Crystal’s 700 Sundays or to watch the end of Brian’s Song and not have buckets of tears pouring down your face.  Or at the end of The Sandlot when Benny the Jet steals home and the kid announces it and they flash to the picture of all of the old kids from the sandlot – if I happen to cry during that scene I would appreciate people not calling me “gay” in every conceivable manner.  I wish crying was considered manly – I think it has its advantages.  You get pulled over – girls can cry and get out of the ticket – I can’t – not fair.  I want to cry and not have to pay $90 for running a couple of red lights to get home quickly because I ate too much ruffage.

1: Drinking Mixed Drinks                                                                       Surprise, surprise – I’m not a scotch on the rocks kinda guy.  In fact, I find scotch, gin, whiskey all disgusting.  So what if when I order vodka I make sure there’s just as much cranberry juice in the cup?  Why does drinking foul tasting drinks make someone more of a man?  What does it prove?  I don’t get it.  Why wouldn’t a rational human, when given the choice between two drinks, choose the one which tastes better?  Why, in every other facet of society, are people ridiculed for not being rational – yet when it comes to choosing your alcoholic drink you are mocked and shunned for being rational?  Someone care to explain this one to me?  You never hear a guy going, “I could have gotten a deal on my house, but I decided to overpay – Yeah, I’m a man!”  Drinking these disgusting liquors is just as irrational.  I refuse to believe that anybody actually likes the taste of gin or whiskey – it’s just not possible.  There’s no logical reason for drinking it other than you are trying to impress people.  Just because I have a Y chromosome I can’t get a little orange juice in with my liquor?  That’s not fair. 

If anybody has any other things they wish were considered masculine please feel free to comment or if you disagree with any of my choices.

Next up I will be examining things that I am glad are not masculine.

Respecting Our Ancestors

March 28, 2008

“Son, pack up your gear, get the tent…it’s time to go camping!” – This, or versions of this, can be heard around the country all year round.  People love to go camping, to get outside, to be one with nature.

What an unbelievable slap in the face to our ancestors this is!  Our ancestors actually had to live out in huts and tents and fend off wild animals and not because they chose to, but because they had to.  That was as good as it got back then.  They had no air conditioning, no sturdy housing – camping was not camping to them – it was living!

And do you know why these people slaved outside in pieced together huts all day?  To one day provide a better life for their children who would provide a better life for their children and so on. 

Do you know what those ancestors would say if they saw their modern day relatives going outside and camping, “Fuck! What the fuck? Have humans not made any advancements in the last 3,000 years?!  Wait, it looks like every other human being is living in huge houses with air conditioning and fences – what is wrong with my future generations?  I knew my son was a little slow, but this?  Oh, no, wait – don’t tell me they own a real house and are choosing to live like that?!  Fuck! – what a slap in the face!”

Is there any good reason to go camping?  NO!  Humans spent many, many generations figuring out the best way to not be one with nature and get out of the woods.  Why would we take all their hard work and throw it back in their face.

On the same note, I despise people who take hallucinogenic mushrooms for the same reason.  No, I couldn’t care less that it’s a “drug” or a hallucinogenic – just that our poor ancestors spent their whole lives trying to avoid this type of food.  Doing everything they could to prevent eating it because I’m sure it drove them to hallucinate and say things like, “Oh, I’m probably just imagining that tiger over there, here kitty, kitty.”  And really, who wants that to be your last words.

There are a couple other items that pseudo fall under this category, like gardening – however, with gardening you do end up with an end product.  You do grow a tomato and use it so it is not on the same level as camping and mushrooms. 

I can’t think of any others that bother me so much right now, feel free to leave other things that fall under this category or, if you feel lucky, try to defend camping.  I would ask you to defend mushrooms as well, but I have a hunch whoever tries to defend them might not make sense.