Do Black Men Not Use Umbrellas?

I have a theory – and a chance for you to win some money.  Read on. 

One of my good friends growing up was black.  A couple of years ago he and another friend (white) were over my place during a huge thunderstorm.  We decided to go see a movie since we are very uncreative and whenever it rains we automatically go see a movie since we long ago gave up on trying to amuse ourselves.  So, like a good host I offered both of them umbrellas for the walk to the car.  The following is the conversation that took place:

Me: You guys want umbrellas?

White Friend: Yeah, definitely.

Black Friend: Nah, I’m ok.

Me: What are you crazy? It’s pouring out, take an umbrella.

Black Friend: Nah, I don’t need one, I’m fine.  I’ll just pull my jacket over my head.

Me: That’s crazy – just take an umbrella, it’s raining, why wouldn’t you want one?

He never did end up taking that umbrella and it never did stop bothering me.  Why wouldn’t he just take the umbrella?  If it’s raining and man has invented something that stops the rain from falling on you – wouldn’t you think people would be clamoring to use umbrellas anytime it rained?  There’s no disadvantage – the only time they’re annoying is when it is windy and they blow inside out – but other than that umbrellas function very well.  So, as we were driving to the movies it still bothered me that he wouldn’t take that stupid umbrella – it weighed on my mind and I started thinking and, in a moment of absolute clarity, I realized that I had never in my life seen a black man holding an umbrella.  It clicked, it was my E=MC2 moment.  I had to confirm this.

Me: Chris (Black Friend), have you ever seen your dad using an umbrella?

Chris: Um, I don’t know – I don’t think so.  Why?

Me: No reason

Ah, but little did he know there was a reason.  A huge reason – I was on to discovering the greatest theory since Einstein’s theory of relativity or Newton’s theory of gravity – my theory of black men not using umbrellas.

On a side note, can we all agree that Isaac Newton would be the absolute worst father you could ever have?  I mean, could you imagine being the son of the guy who invented calculus?  You’re telling me this kid didn’t get beaten up every single day after school.  And I’m sure he didn’t appreciate the irony that most people that are bad at calculus are good at football and hitting things.

Anyways, back to my theory.  So it was around this date about three and a half years ago that I first enumerated this theory and made it a point that any time it rained to be on the lookout for any black men with umbrella’s.  I slowly spread the word of my theory to other intellects and had them be on the lookout during rainstorms for black men using umbrellas.  Three and a half years later I am happy to announce that after the rainstorm that befell last night and into this morning in which I witnessed around 8 black men caught in it – all without umbrellas – I think my theory has seen enough black men without umbrellas to make it statistically significant enough that I can proudly move this up from a theory to a law. 

It is now the Law of Black Men Not Using Umbrellas.  As you can see, the main difference of a theory and a law is that laws are capitalized, making them much more official.

Just on a hunch before I decided to move this from a theory to a law I decided to do a Google image search of “black man holding an umbrella” to see if I was just crazy or if I was really on to something.  As I was typing in the words into the search bar I started getting nervous that all of my hard work would be exposed in a matter of seconds – but I knew I had to be a good scientist and do all of the fact digging before releasing my finding to the world.

Here is what the results returned – http://images.google.com/images?um=1&hl=en&rls=com.microsoft%3A*%3AIE-SearchBox&rlz=1I7DMUS&q=black+man+using+an+umbrella

I looked through the first 4 pages of results and I was thrilled that none of them returned a photo of a black man using an umbrella!!!  After I confirmed with Google that no such thing existed I felt much better about turning my theory into a law and publishing it to the public.

If you have ever seen a black man with an umbrella I beg, beg you to send me a picture of it at shurtain@gmail.com.  There will be a cash prize of $1 a day (meaning for every day nobody sends me a picture I will add $1 to the pot – up to $15 $30 – starting today at $1) to the first person who sends me a home picture (meaning not photoshopped or found off a website – even though I don’t think it exists anywhere and that you could scour the web for days and not find it [I spent all morning Googling it today] – I would like the confirmation that somebody saw it in person) of a black man holding an umbrella.  I don’t think that photo exists, I really don’t – some say you have a better chance of capturing a photo of the loch ness monster – but I am willing to pay to be proven wrong.  I implore you, beg you to scour your old photo albums for such a photo or to have your camera’s ready if it rains in the next couple of weeks.  You will make my day if you find this picture.

Also, there is a little strategy at work here if you have a picture of a black man holding an umbrella.  Do you send it in right away and only win a couple of dollars or do you wait and try to cash in on the full $30 – but maybe someone sends it in first and you lose.  Tough call.  Best of luck.

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11 Responses to Do Black Men Not Use Umbrellas?

  1. hearthrob08 says:

    If you look very closely at that picture you will notice that it is his caddy, not him holding the umbrella. Around October of 2006 I saw a black woman holding an umbrella with a black man underneath it. It was the first time I had seen a black man underneath an umbrella in any capacity – it was beautiful, probably like the first time Lance Armstrong set eyes on the moon – but we determined it did not count because the black man was not holding the umbrella. And also he was like 85 so it doubly didn’t count because he probably would have died if he was truly caught in that rainstorm.

    So I say it must be a black man holding the umbrella to win the pot.

  2. Avitable says:

    I think you’ve got quite the theory going.

  3. Jeff says:

    I’m claiming the caddy is black. I win again.

  4. zxvasdf says:

    The google link you posted actually runs the search as “back man using an umbrella” and it yielded this picture: http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44069000/jpg/_44069018_dean_picgal16_ap.jpg

    This painting shows it perhaps was fashionable for a black man to hold a umbrella, but it obviously has fallen out of favor: http://www.burchardgalleries.com/auctions/1999/jan2499/l027.jpg

    http://pro.corbis.com/images/CB036773.jpg?size=572&uid=%7B5BBA39AF-54BA-41BF-AF18-7C339E6227FB%7D

  5. hearthrob08 says:

    the caddy is definitely not black. and anybody getting paid to carry one doesn’t count either way. that rules out all movies & the such a black man holding an umbrella might occur in.

    I noticed the link was wrong as “back man…” and not “black man…” and it should be updated. But as for that picture if you see the title on the results page, “one jamacain tries using an umbrella…” with “tries” being the key word. I think the fact he is “trying” to figure out how to use it proves even moreso the lack of black men using umbrellas.

    Good research with the painting – but that is definitely from another time and in the current landscape I think we can all agree on the Law of Black Men Not Using Umbrellas. I think the scientific community will embrace this soon.

  6. hearthrob08 says:

    First off, they are not excuses – I am more than willing to announce and pay a winner when the photo I am looking for is found.

    Secondly, in your first photo the man holding the umbrella was white, not black. I already discounted the first photo from zxvasdf and his second link was a painting not a photo – and the umbrella was closed.

    Now, on to explaining (excusing) why the new ones you sent are incorrect. The middle one is a stock photo so that is ruled out because the guy was paid to hold the umbrella, so we can get that one out of the way easy. The third and first one’s are close. Very close. I was going to announce them as winners, but I realized something was off and that I really want it to be a black man holding an umbrella during a rainstorm. Otherwise, it just doesn’t feel right.

    Also, in the post it does say the first person to send me a home photo so I can verify that somebody did see it once in person. Otherwise it’s like being sent a photo of the loch ness monster, sure there’s a photo of it but you can’t talk to the person that snapped it.

    I will change it so that the winner can just find it online because I really have searched for hours to find it and haven’t been able to. Sooner or later I just had to cave and give in to this phenomenon.

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