All You Can Eat Buffet

March 26, 2008

In this entry I am aiming to answer the age old question (believed to first have been raised by Socrates mere days before he decided to drink the hemlock poison spiralling him to his death, meaning he never fully got to weigh in on the outcome, leaving the question unsolved until today) of who would be happier to arrive at an All You Can Eat Buffet – a really, really fat guy or a starving child in Africa.

At first glance the answer to this seems like a LeBron James coming off of a pick, lowering his shoulder – taking two steps through the lane and rising up slam dunk of an answer.  How could it not be the starving child?  Who could be happier than a starving child in Africa to see an All You Can Eat Buffet?  I’ll tell you who – a really, really fat guy.  And I will prove this to you through Billy the Kid style straight shootin’.

You see, for a starving child in Africa food is the greatest thing to them.  They daydream about food, they think “When, when, when will I get to eat again?” after every meal.  Advantage starving child?  Not so fast.  Same with a really, really fat man – for him too food is the greatest thing in the world.  He also daydreams about food and thinks, “When, when, when will I get to eat again?” after every meal.  Tie ballgame.

So here’s the difference.  To a starving child, an All You Can Eat Buffet does not pose any greater of a meal than just a regular dinner.  They would be equally happy to arrive at an All You Can Eat Buffet as to arrive at a plate full of pasta.  They hadn’t eaten for days, their stomach’s couldn’t handle endless amounts of food on end (and please let’s not take this literally and assume an All You Can Eat Buffet where the person can literally stay and eat day after day, meal after meal).

So this is where a really, really fat person takes the lead.  To a really, really fat person there is a huge divide over a regular meal and an All You Can Eat Buffet.  The regular meal is nice, acceptable to them, but what they live for, the greatest thing they could ever imagine is an All You Can Eat Buffet. 

This is how I imagine the idea for an All You Can Eat Buffet was started.  A restaurant was struggling.  They were not getting very many customers eating at their joint.  The owner goes to an outside consulting firm and says, “Hey, you guys have any ideas on how we can get some more customers in the door?”  The people at the consulting firm sit down and from the back reaches of the room an extremely large man named Hank bellows out, “How about an all you can eat buffet?” like he had just thought of the idea even though he had had recurring dreams of this very such entity since he was a boy of 7.  He never imagined that anybody would take the idea seriously and expected to be laughed out of the conference room, immedietely mad at himself for brining it up.  Once he realized it was being well received he made a mental note of the name of the restaurant.  Thus helping usher in a new era of obesity in America. 

So we can see that really, really fat people have been scheming to create All You Can Eat Buffets for years.  The creation of All You Can Eat Buffets was more important to fat people than suffrage was to women.  It’s a fact.  Only a very, very fat person can appreciate an All You Can Eat Buffet.  Don’t get me wrong, a starving child in Africa would be thrilled to arrive at an All You Can Eat Buffet, but it would be no different than him arriving at an ordinary meal.  While to a very large man arriving at one there is nothing finer than pulling up and seeing those four glorious words, “All You Can Eat”.

Care to disagree?  Plead your feeble case below and I will decide if there is any merit to what you say or if my side is the right side.


Bowling Shall be Banished

March 24, 2008

Honk!  Honk!  What’s that?  That’s the sound of the bowling express.  And why is it honking?  Because it can’t move at all because it has bowling balls for wheels and those are severly deficient wheels in the grand scheme of things.  And do you know why the bowling express is perpetually stuck going nowhere? I’ll tell you – because bowling is the most absolute moronic “sport” ever invented. 

 If I ever started my own society one of the earliest rules, right behind “No smoking cigarettes with the window down while driving a car in the winter and somebody else in the car”, would be “No bowling”.  There’s no point to bowling.  You take your arm back, release the bowling ball and hope it knocks down a couple of pins.  What I especially do not like about bowling is that you do the same thing over and over yet you get different results each time.  You take your arm back and roll the ball and you get 7 pins, ok, next time you do the same thing and you end up with a strike!  Yay!  How can you ever get excited about the strike when you did the same thing the time before and got 6 pins?  It makes no sense, how do people do this and enjoy it? 

Now, at this point you might be thinking, “You know what? Other sports – such as golf – are exactly the same.  You just do the same thing over and over”  If this was you, and you were thinking along those lines – congratulations, you have just qualified to compete in the Special Olympics, moron.  (On a side note, you know how if you have an IQ of 70 or below you are considered mentally challenged?  I think the worst thing in the world would have to be having an IQ of 71, because then there is nothing really wrong with you, you are just really, really stupid.)

But, the difference between bowling and golf is that each golf shot is different.  Should I use my 3 iron or 7 wood?  Should I hook it back left or try to loft it over the tree?  See, there is thought involved, creativity is needed.  You must master driving, fairway play, short game, and putting.  There is no sport that is as incomprehensively stupid as bowling. 

And, if all you do all day is bowl.  You repeatedly take your arm back and throw the ball down the lane for a living – wouldn’t you think there would be a lot more perfect games out there?  I mean there’s no defense, in basketball and like sports they practice shooting all day – but they have to face defenders, quick decisions etc – in bowling they are doing the same thing they did 5,000 times that week.  Shoudn’t they have mastered it by now?

For me, I take shits all the time – and you never see me missing the toilet.  Shouldn’t bowlers at least be at the same level?  For anyone that sees anything positive in bowling please feel free to lend me your wrong side of the argument.