Lunchy Munchy (Bonus Track 1)

March 27, 2008

I had planned on not ranting on day to day things and to keep this limited to genuine discussion topics, however since pretty much every person and situation I encounter infuses me with some degree of rage I am going to have to make some exceptions.  In order to turn this negative of me posting about day to day things occasionally into a positive I will call these posts “Bonus Tracks” – keeping in line with how music labels take songs that were so bad they could not even make it onto a 14 song CD and release them as “Bonus Tracks”- trying to get people excited for something they should never even consider listening to.

So today I went to lunch at Subway.  Nothing new there, I eat at Subway about once a week for lunch, except today at Subway I encountered complete dichotomy in human behavior.  First off, not related to the story, but related to Subway – for some reason the guy who works the register at this Subway loves me.  Whenever I walk into this subway the guy behind the register stops whatever he is doing (no matter how busy it is) and will wave to me and yell out, “Hellooo”.  It is quite possibly the most embarrassing 30 seconds anyone could experience.  And I have no idea why he does it – I never really interact with him more than any other customer does, I mean sometimes I’ll make a small joke, I always do have a smile on my face, but I’m in there only about once a week which I assume is around average for most people who take lunch there, I have no idea why he loves me so much?  Maybe it’s because I always have exact change?  I will never know.  But either way, it’s especially embarrassing when I go to Subway with co-workers.  Could you imagine walking inside a Subway with a co-worker whom you are trying to get to respect you and having the register guy stop what he’s doing, wave and yell out to welcome you?  And my co-workers always get this strange look and ask me, “Why does the register guy at Subway love you?”  I try to tell them I have no idea, but there’s just no way to explain that one – maybe that’s why nobody goes to lunch with me anymore?

Anyways, moving on.  So walking into Subway today I was arriving at the Subway entrance door about 5 seconds before this maybe 28-30 year old woman was (we’ll call her girl1).   The nice guy that I am, I hold the door open for her and let her go in before me – meaning she would get in line ahead of me.  No big deal, I’m a nice guy, she’s slightly attractive, win win.  Not so fast, I immediately (well, after the register guy waved and welcomed me) noticed that the line was extra long and I immediately slightly regretted letting her in front of me since I had to be back within the hour for a meeting.

Then, after waiting in line for about 3 minutes she pulls out around 5 post-it notes with sandwich orders on each one.  Are you kidding me?  I let her get in front of me in line and she repays me by ordering 6 different sandwiches?  She knew she had a huge order, why did she not just say to me, “Oh, thanks for holding the door open, but I am ordering lunch for a small army so why don’t you go in front of me?”  Is that too much to ask?

It would be one thing if there was no line and she just walked in and right up to the counter to order – then I would say, “Ok, she went right up to the counter – maybe she didn’t have time to think that what she was doing was wrong.”  But we were in line for 10 minutes, she had plenty of time to turn to me and invite me in front of her.  What a disgrace! 

And another thing, a little off topic, but I am not sure I get the plastic gloves that Subway and other fast food employees wear considering that I never see them change them or throw them away.  Isn’t wearing those plastic gloves all day the same as using your hands all day?  Are those gloves immune to germs?  What’s the point of wearing them if you don’t change them every couple of minutes – don’t they just accumulate all of the same germs that hands do?  Is there something magical about these gloves I don’t know about?

Alright, back to the story.  So we finally get to the front of the line and she orders her 6 sandwiches and as the workers are scrambling around to make her order there is this wonderfully awkward stoppage of time where I am staring at her, obviously disturbed that it turned out that I held the door open for a small Chinese family instead of just one woman and it would have been the perfect moment for her to turn to me and apologize – however, alas, there was none coming.  Very disheartening.  At this moment I made it a point to look to see if she had a ring on her finger and, not surprisingly, no ring.  Is it any wonder no man wanted to marry this woman?  I guarantee you it’s because she orgasm’s before the guy every night and never apologizes for it – not even when there is the wonderfully awkward moment after.

Now, in complete dichotomy to this was what happened next.  I got my sandwich toasted, the 28-30 year old woman (girl2) behind me didn’t.  So when it came to putting the toppings on and paying, I, as the nice guy I am, had let her duck in front of me since my sandwich was still toasting.  In this instance she had beaten me fair and square and deserved to be in front of me since my sandwich was not completely done.  However, the awful girl1 in front of us ordering 6 sandwiches was taking her time paying.  So, right before the girl2 that had just gotten in front of me was going to pay, my sandwich was complete.  So this nice young girl turns to me and says, “Your sandwich is done, would you like to get back in front of me?”  What a saint!  No, actually – what a normal human.  This is not doing anything extra nice, just doing what should be done – it just seemed saintly after the previous wretched girl. 

I politely declined and let her pay first since she was so nice.  As I was declining I made a point to see if she had a ring on her finger.  She didn’t have one either, but, however, in this instance it is probably because she was pretty ugly and fairly overweight. 

I guess if anybody wants to argue that the first girl’s actions were not heinous please do, however I do not see how that is possible.  Also, if anybody has a situation where they think someone acted incorrectly or are wondering how one should act in any situation I would be happy to let you know.


All You Can Eat Buffet

March 26, 2008

In this entry I am aiming to answer the age old question (believed to first have been raised by Socrates mere days before he decided to drink the hemlock poison spiralling him to his death, meaning he never fully got to weigh in on the outcome, leaving the question unsolved until today) of who would be happier to arrive at an All You Can Eat Buffet – a really, really fat guy or a starving child in Africa.

At first glance the answer to this seems like a LeBron James coming off of a pick, lowering his shoulder – taking two steps through the lane and rising up slam dunk of an answer.  How could it not be the starving child?  Who could be happier than a starving child in Africa to see an All You Can Eat Buffet?  I’ll tell you who – a really, really fat guy.  And I will prove this to you through Billy the Kid style straight shootin’.

You see, for a starving child in Africa food is the greatest thing to them.  They daydream about food, they think “When, when, when will I get to eat again?” after every meal.  Advantage starving child?  Not so fast.  Same with a really, really fat man – for him too food is the greatest thing in the world.  He also daydreams about food and thinks, “When, when, when will I get to eat again?” after every meal.  Tie ballgame.

So here’s the difference.  To a starving child, an All You Can Eat Buffet does not pose any greater of a meal than just a regular dinner.  They would be equally happy to arrive at an All You Can Eat Buffet as to arrive at a plate full of pasta.  They hadn’t eaten for days, their stomach’s couldn’t handle endless amounts of food on end (and please let’s not take this literally and assume an All You Can Eat Buffet where the person can literally stay and eat day after day, meal after meal).

So this is where a really, really fat person takes the lead.  To a really, really fat person there is a huge divide over a regular meal and an All You Can Eat Buffet.  The regular meal is nice, acceptable to them, but what they live for, the greatest thing they could ever imagine is an All You Can Eat Buffet. 

This is how I imagine the idea for an All You Can Eat Buffet was started.  A restaurant was struggling.  They were not getting very many customers eating at their joint.  The owner goes to an outside consulting firm and says, “Hey, you guys have any ideas on how we can get some more customers in the door?”  The people at the consulting firm sit down and from the back reaches of the room an extremely large man named Hank bellows out, “How about an all you can eat buffet?” like he had just thought of the idea even though he had had recurring dreams of this very such entity since he was a boy of 7.  He never imagined that anybody would take the idea seriously and expected to be laughed out of the conference room, immedietely mad at himself for brining it up.  Once he realized it was being well received he made a mental note of the name of the restaurant.  Thus helping usher in a new era of obesity in America. 

So we can see that really, really fat people have been scheming to create All You Can Eat Buffets for years.  The creation of All You Can Eat Buffets was more important to fat people than suffrage was to women.  It’s a fact.  Only a very, very fat person can appreciate an All You Can Eat Buffet.  Don’t get me wrong, a starving child in Africa would be thrilled to arrive at an All You Can Eat Buffet, but it would be no different than him arriving at an ordinary meal.  While to a very large man arriving at one there is nothing finer than pulling up and seeing those four glorious words, “All You Can Eat”.

Care to disagree?  Plead your feeble case below and I will decide if there is any merit to what you say or if my side is the right side.

Bowling Shall be Banished

March 24, 2008

Honk!  Honk!  What’s that?  That’s the sound of the bowling express.  And why is it honking?  Because it can’t move at all because it has bowling balls for wheels and those are severly deficient wheels in the grand scheme of things.  And do you know why the bowling express is perpetually stuck going nowhere? I’ll tell you – because bowling is the most absolute moronic “sport” ever invented. 

 If I ever started my own society one of the earliest rules, right behind “No smoking cigarettes with the window down while driving a car in the winter and somebody else in the car”, would be “No bowling”.  There’s no point to bowling.  You take your arm back, release the bowling ball and hope it knocks down a couple of pins.  What I especially do not like about bowling is that you do the same thing over and over yet you get different results each time.  You take your arm back and roll the ball and you get 7 pins, ok, next time you do the same thing and you end up with a strike!  Yay!  How can you ever get excited about the strike when you did the same thing the time before and got 6 pins?  It makes no sense, how do people do this and enjoy it? 

Now, at this point you might be thinking, “You know what? Other sports – such as golf – are exactly the same.  You just do the same thing over and over”  If this was you, and you were thinking along those lines – congratulations, you have just qualified to compete in the Special Olympics, moron.  (On a side note, you know how if you have an IQ of 70 or below you are considered mentally challenged?  I think the worst thing in the world would have to be having an IQ of 71, because then there is nothing really wrong with you, you are just really, really stupid.)

But, the difference between bowling and golf is that each golf shot is different.  Should I use my 3 iron or 7 wood?  Should I hook it back left or try to loft it over the tree?  See, there is thought involved, creativity is needed.  You must master driving, fairway play, short game, and putting.  There is no sport that is as incomprehensively stupid as bowling. 

And, if all you do all day is bowl.  You repeatedly take your arm back and throw the ball down the lane for a living – wouldn’t you think there would be a lot more perfect games out there?  I mean there’s no defense, in basketball and like sports they practice shooting all day – but they have to face defenders, quick decisions etc – in bowling they are doing the same thing they did 5,000 times that week.  Shoudn’t they have mastered it by now?

For me, I take shits all the time – and you never see me missing the toilet.  Shouldn’t bowlers at least be at the same level?  For anyone that sees anything positive in bowling please feel free to lend me your wrong side of the argument.


March 23, 2008

Congratulations for finding my blog, you have proven to be one of societies enlightened people. Only the cleverist of the bunch make it here – and how do I know that? Because of a line from the old Pharaoh, no – not “Pharaoh you doing?”, but “let it be written, let it be done.” It’s a little bit like The Emperor’s New Clothes where the kid said only the bright ones could see his clothing and nobody wanted to look stupid so everybody pretended to see his clothing – if everybody believes that only smart people read this blog then “let it be written, let it be done.”

Something like a self-fulfilling prophecy it would seem – a phrase by the way coined by a beloved American sociologist who nightly would kick off his shoes, sit on his couch and drink a cold one. And every night his wife would scream at him, “Robert, take out the trash.” or “Robert, these walls aren’t going to paint themselves.” and so on, you get the idea. And like a good little husband he would get up and take out the trash or paint the walls, even though he was out coining phrases left and right (he also coined “role model” among others) and she just sat at home praying for it to rain so she would have an excuse to stay inside. Then one day he finally flipped out at her, “I can’t take it anymore, one of these days I’m just going to really flip out on you if you keep this up,” he said with an unruly anger in his eyes.  And you can guess how that little prophecy of his turned out.

Anyways, if you’re reading this at work, as a warning, you should probably close out of the browser now. No, not because there are improper pictures of scantilly clad women or anything of that nature, but because You’re At Work! Do some work. It’s a warning that you’re gonna get fired soon. Is it any wonder, with people like you, that the American economy is dragging so far behind every other country’s? I mean, India used to be the butt of every single customer service joke anyone in our country ever made – who didn’t love doing their best Indian impersonation and saying, “Have you made sure your computer is plugged in?” But now? Now India’s economy is blowing past ours. And this is a people that don’t even eat steak! How do they get protein? Do you know how much tofu you have to eat to get the same protein that we get in a steak? They literally have to be eating tofu half the day just to get enough protein to survive – throw in time asleep and that leaves them around 3-4 hours a day to work and they still have more of a burgeoning society than us.

Now, there’s no real reason for you to read this blog. But then again, there’s no real reason for you to do most things, so you might as well. What I am going to do is post my thoughts on certain things and invite anybody to feel free to disagree with me. The only stipulation is that disagreeing with me probably means that you are wrong, so argue at your own peril. Although once I realize I am wrong I am willing 100% to change my mind. So that being the case I hope that everyone’s arguments are sound and intelligent. If not, I will kindly remove them.

I know there are other places where people can go to argue with other people on thousands of topics. The difference is that on those sites it is two morons arguing with each other, there is no screening for intelligence. Here at least one of the persons participating in the discussion is a certified genuis (me) so at least one person will be making keen insights into the world (me again).

So, why am I making this blog? It is to come to the answer to all of life’s little questions. Through intense debate I hope to be able to come to a decisive conclusion on all topics. I will be presenting my argument, listening and engaging with others to see all points of view and then I will be pronouncing the result for what is the correct answer. Topics will range from “Should barbers not be allowed to talk to their customers?” to “Would I rather my parents catch me looking at porn or on an online dating site?” I will take suggestions.

Here’s to the Boston Tea Party!