I have a theory – and a chance for you to win some money. Read on.
One of my good friends growing up was black. A couple of years ago he and another friend (white) were over my place during a huge thunderstorm. We decided to go see a movie since we are very uncreative and whenever it rains we automatically go see a movie since we long ago gave up on trying to amuse ourselves. So, like a good host I offered both of them umbrellas for the walk to the car. The following is the conversation that took place:
Me: You guys want umbrellas?
White Friend: Yeah, definitely.
Black Friend: Nah, I’m ok.
Me: What are you crazy? It’s pouring out, take an umbrella.
Black Friend: Nah, I don’t need one, I’m fine. I’ll just pull my jacket over my head.
Me: That’s crazy – just take an umbrella, it’s raining, why wouldn’t you want one?
He never did end up taking that umbrella and it never did stop bothering me. Why wouldn’t he just take the umbrella? If it’s raining and man has invented something that stops the rain from falling on you – wouldn’t you think people would be clamoring to use umbrellas anytime it rained? There’s no disadvantage – the only time they’re annoying is when it is windy and they blow inside out – but other than that umbrellas function very well. So, as we were driving to the movies it still bothered me that he wouldn’t take that stupid umbrella – it weighed on my mind and I started thinking and, in a moment of absolute clarity, I realized that I had never in my life seen a black man holding an umbrella. It clicked, it was my E=MC2 moment. I had to confirm this.
Me: Chris (Black Friend), have you ever seen your dad using an umbrella?
Chris: Um, I don’t know – I don’t think so. Why?
Me: No reason
Ah, but little did he know there was a reason. A huge reason – I was on to discovering the greatest theory since Einstein’s theory of relativity or Newton’s theory of gravity – my theory of black men not using umbrellas.
On a side note, can we all agree that Isaac Newton would be the absolute worst father you could ever have? I mean, could you imagine being the son of the guy who invented calculus? You’re telling me this kid didn’t get beaten up every single day after school. And I’m sure he didn’t appreciate the irony that most people that are bad at calculus are good at football and hitting things.
Anyways, back to my theory. So it was around this date about three and a half years ago that I first enumerated this theory and made it a point that any time it rained to be on the lookout for any black men with umbrella’s. I slowly spread the word of my theory to other intellects and had them be on the lookout during rainstorms for black men using umbrellas. Three and a half years later I am happy to announce that after the rainstorm that befell last night and into this morning in which I witnessed around 8 black men caught in it – all without umbrellas – I think my theory has seen enough black men without umbrellas to make it statistically significant enough that I can proudly move this up from a theory to a law.
It is now the Law of Black Men Not Using Umbrellas. As you can see, the main difference of a theory and a law is that laws are capitalized, making them much more official.
Just on a hunch before I decided to move this from a theory to a law I decided to do a Google image search of “black man holding an umbrella” to see if I was just crazy or if I was really on to something. As I was typing in the words into the search bar I started getting nervous that all of my hard work would be exposed in a matter of seconds – but I knew I had to be a good scientist and do all of the fact digging before releasing my finding to the world.
Here is what the results returned – http://images.google.com/images?um=1&hl=en&rls=com.microsoft%3A*%3AIE-SearchBox&rlz=1I7DMUS&q=black+man+using+an+umbrella
I looked through the first 4 pages of results and I was thrilled that none of them returned a photo of a black man using an umbrella!!! After I confirmed with Google that no such thing existed I felt much better about turning my theory into a law and publishing it to the public.
If you have ever seen a black man with an umbrella I beg, beg you to send me a picture of it at firstname.lastname@example.org. There will be a cash prize of $1 a day (meaning for every day nobody sends me a picture I will add $1 to the pot – up to $15 $30 – starting today at $1) to the first person who sends me a home picture (meaning not photoshopped or found off a website – even though I don’t think it exists anywhere and that you could scour the web for days and not find it [I spent all morning Googling it today] – I would like the confirmation that somebody saw it in person) of a black man holding an umbrella. I don’t think that photo exists, I really don’t – some say you have a better chance of capturing a photo of the loch ness monster – but I am willing to pay to be proven wrong. I implore you, beg you to scour your old photo albums for such a photo or to have your camera’s ready if it rains in the next couple of weeks. You will make my day if you find this picture.
Also, there is a little strategy at work here if you have a picture of a black man holding an umbrella. Do you send it in right away and only win a couple of dollars or do you wait and try to cash in on the full $30 – but maybe someone sends it in first and you lose. Tough call. Best of luck.