5 Things That I Wish Were Masculine

April 1, 2008

There comes a time, or many times in my case, in every guys life where he faces a situation that puts him at a crossroads.  He knows exactly how he wants to act and he also knows exactly how society feels about men acting that way – namely, that it’s gay. 

So here is my list of 5 things that I wish were considered manly:

5:  Drinking Soda/Tea With a Straw                                                 Why do I have to brown teeth just because I’m a man?  I don’t like it.  It has been effusively proven  that drinking soda/tea causes your teeth to become a gross amalgamation of yellow and brown that is absolutely disgusting.  Nobody wants brown teeth – that’s a fact – so why are men – pre-emptively excluded from preventing this?  It’s not fair.  Just because I’m a male I can’t use a straw?  So, I like to drink tea – sue me.  And, for the benefit of my teeth I would like to drink it with a straw – is that so wrong?  Is that a crime?  According to my male counterparts it pretty much is and I won’t stand for it anymore.  I wish using a straw to drink tea was considered masculine so that I wouldn’t have to feel like a second class citizen for not wanting brown teeth.

4: Whining/Complaining                                                                                                      As anybody who knows me or has read more than two sentences of this blog knows, I like to whine.  And, anybody who has lived in our society for more than two days knows that if you are a grown man and you whine you are not so lovingly called, “a bitch”.  I’ll never understand why men can’t whine without being called degrading names.  If the cleaning guy at our office picks his nose while talking to me (which happened this morning and you’re lucky didn’t turn into an entire Bonus Track) then I’m going to whine about it and try to get him fired.  I don’t care that he escaped a dictatorship and was forced from his home and came to America then had to go back to find his family and bring them to America with him – if he picks his nose he should be fired.  A cleaning person picking their nose is pretty much the exact opposite of what they are supposed to do.  It’s like a meter maid stuffing quarters into expired meters – the exact opposite of what they should be doing.  So why can’t I complain about this without people saying, “stop being a little bitch?”?  Hmmmn?  I’ll tell you why – because people are morons. 

3:Eating Healthy/Not Eating Meat                                                          I go out to eat with a group of guys and the waitress takes our orders, “Burger and fries”, “Roast beef w/ extra beef”, “Steak – rare”, “French onion soup with medium house salad – dressing on the side.”  Take a wild guess which order is mine.  And take a wild guess who gets called 6-8 different versions of female anatomy.  This was forever immortalized in Seinfeld when Jerry orders the salad at the steak restaurant and while I think the recent surge of being healthy in America has made some headway in reducing the femininity of not eating meat – there is still a long ways to overcome.  Why does not eating meat make you a woman?  Can somebody please explain this to me?  So I feel bad for the animals.  I have a conscious.  I don’t preach to others to not eat meat, I just choose not to myself.  Is that so wrong?  When, because of health reasons, it gets fully to the point where it is acceptable for men to not eat meat – I want a full apology from every fast-food burger loving idiot for somehow managing to say through his clogged arteries and mouth full of cow for saying, “you don’t eat meat?  you fag!”  I’ll be waiting.

2:Crying                                                                                                               This might be a little controversial.  Crying is probably considered the least manly thing on the planet.  But you know what?  Sometimes you can’t help it.  Sometimes those tears come a-pouring out and there’s no stopping them.  I defy any man to see Billy Crystal’s 700 Sundays or to watch the end of Brian’s Song and not have buckets of tears pouring down your face.  Or at the end of The Sandlot when Benny the Jet steals home and the kid announces it and they flash to the picture of all of the old kids from the sandlot – if I happen to cry during that scene I would appreciate people not calling me “gay” in every conceivable manner.  I wish crying was considered manly – I think it has its advantages.  You get pulled over – girls can cry and get out of the ticket – I can’t – not fair.  I want to cry and not have to pay $90 for running a couple of red lights to get home quickly because I ate too much ruffage.

1: Drinking Mixed Drinks                                                                       Surprise, surprise – I’m not a scotch on the rocks kinda guy.  In fact, I find scotch, gin, whiskey all disgusting.  So what if when I order vodka I make sure there’s just as much cranberry juice in the cup?  Why does drinking foul tasting drinks make someone more of a man?  What does it prove?  I don’t get it.  Why wouldn’t a rational human, when given the choice between two drinks, choose the one which tastes better?  Why, in every other facet of society, are people ridiculed for not being rational – yet when it comes to choosing your alcoholic drink you are mocked and shunned for being rational?  Someone care to explain this one to me?  You never hear a guy going, “I could have gotten a deal on my house, but I decided to overpay – Yeah, I’m a man!”  Drinking these disgusting liquors is just as irrational.  I refuse to believe that anybody actually likes the taste of gin or whiskey – it’s just not possible.  There’s no logical reason for drinking it other than you are trying to impress people.  Just because I have a Y chromosome I can’t get a little orange juice in with my liquor?  That’s not fair. 

If anybody has any other things they wish were considered masculine please feel free to comment or if you disagree with any of my choices.

Next up I will be examining things that I am glad are not masculine.

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