Top 5 Disabilities I Wouldn’t Mind Having

April 8, 2008

I went through an official medical list of disabilities and assigned a point value (1-10) of the pros and cons of each disability.  The disabilities were then ranked by the highest difference (pros – cons) and then adjusted with a sympathy factor (+/- up to 3 points) since you can never underestimate the sympathy factor.  People will do anything for you when they feel bad for you so this has to be factored in.  This is not making light of any disabilities and by no means do I wish any of these upon myself, however if I had to choose between them this would be my order.

5:Deafness

Cons – The ultimate negative here, which I would’t be able to stand if I was deaf, is that anytime anybody moves their hands you have to look over at them because, hey – maybe they’re talking to you, maybe they’re just scratching their head, but you still have to look over to find out.  Sitting around reading a book and someone in the room has something in their eye?  Well everytime they reach up to itch it you have to look over because what if one of those times they were raising their hand to tell you that the house is on fire?  Also, you aren’t able to hear people or cars coming which makes things more difficult.  Not being able to hear people coming makes you 100% easier to sneak up on and scare, I get started enough on a day by day basis and that certainly wouldn’t help.  Overall Cons – 6/10

Pros – The biggest pro is that I wouldn’t have to talk on the phone to my girlfriend anymore.  Every single night I can etch out a solid hour or 2 that are gone, completely wasted like dust to the wind talking to my gf on the phone.  Being deaf maybe I would have to talk to her online everynight, but at least then you can surf the internet easily and take your time responding.  I’d definitely opt for that.  Keeping in line, another positive is that most people converse through the internet these days anyways.  People just send emails or messages or type all day.  For my job I could easily be deaf, all I do is send out emails all day.  Another bonus is that after my gf breaks up with me because I am playing a game online rather than talking to her, being deaf I would now be able to speak two languages – and I think chicks dig that.  Besides knowing sign language I think I would also become very proficient with reading lips which can always come in handy since I am convinced people talk about me behind my back all day.  The main question, though, that it comes down to is would I trade never hearing the Beatles again for never hearing my girlfriend nag me again?  Tough call.  Overall Pros – 6/10

Difference – 0  Sympathy Factor – 0, I don’t think people really are that sympathetic towards deaf people and are extra nice to them because of it.  Overall Score – 0

4:Dwarfism

Cons – I was a little surprised to see dwarfism listed as a disability, but then I thought about it and it definitely is one.  Let’s face it, the world was not created for little people.  The main detriment that I can think of is that being a dwarf you probably need an excessive amount of sweaters and jackets since warm air rises.  I don’t know for sure, but I imagine that dwarfs wardrobes is all winter clothing.  Also, everything when you are little is a hassle.  Getting onto the couch pretty much becomes an Olympic event each day.  Once you are situated somewhere you have to stay there for a couple of hours because getting down is such a hassle.  Also, people walk into you all the time because they can’t see you.  Sporting events you can’t see over anybody in the stands.  You would have to splurge on front row seats just to go to a sporting event.  That would quickly add up.  Overall Cons – 5/10

Pros – The main pro, which is a pretty good one now that I think about it – is that you can always pass for a teenager and hit on 16 year old girls.  The thought of being 30 and dating a 16 year old is not so bad.  And plus when I was actually 16 I had no idea how to talk to girls, I still have no idea – but I think by the time I am 30 I  will have it figured out.  I would have so many interesting, smart things to say to them that I could easily seal the deal with 16 year olds.  If you’re not into that kind of thing, as a dwarf there is a limited dating pool, which is positive as well.  Dwarfs generally don’t date non-dwarfs so every dwarf girl you have a chance with.  There are no, or very few, dwarf super athletes or movie stars or CEO’s of company’s that you have to contend against – so all male dwarfs are really playing on the same field which would be nice.  You could also fit in very small spaces which is great for hiding from people.  I always imagine people are breaking into my apartment and am constantly searching for places to hide from them.  Being a dwarf would open up endless places to hide from intruders which could one day end up saving my life.  Overall Pros – 6/10

Difference – +1  Sympathy Factor – +1, I think people are fairly willing to help out and be nice to somebody because they are a dwarf.  Overall Score – +2.

3:Wheelchair Bound (Motorized)

Cons – I had to specify for the record that I would never opt for the manual wheelchair, I would 100% spring for the motorized version.  I’ll never understand who wouldn’t.  What else are you going to spend money on?  It’s not even like a bed where you spend 1/4 of your life in so you should spring for the best version – you’re spending 100% of your life in this thing – get the top of the line comfortable motorized chair.  I’ll never understand some people.  Also, why are there not more wheelchair bound people who are overweight?  Shouldn’t everybody in a wheelchair be overweight, how do they get exercise?  To start with negatives, you can throw doing anything athletic right out the window, which is a fairly solid blow.  I guess there are wheelchair sports, but I don’t think I would participate in them.  I could imagine getting a flat wheelchair tire or if anything happens to the functionality of your wheelchair you are pretty much out of commission for a long time.  Overall Cons – 4/10

Pros – The biggest pro’s are fairly easy to spot.  Handicapped parking is a fantastic fringe benefit.  I think every single one of us has had a fantasy that involved getting a handicapped parking spot at one point or another.  The other benefit are those fantastic handicapped public bathrooms.  Those things are a palace.  They’re the size of my apartment.  The world has really adapted to the wheelchair bound at this point.  Everything is handicap accessable with ramps, elevators and the such.  Also, is there anything a lazy man could hope more for than a motorized wheelchair?  I don’t think so.  Another pro is that you never have to fend for your own chair.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to a bar and had to stand the whole time because there were no seats or gone to the conference room at work and had to stand for an entire meeting because there were no chairs.  Built in chair, not too shabby.  Overall Pros – 6/10

Difference – +2  Sympathy Factor – +1, people always will feel bad for the wheelchair handicapped bound and willing to go out of their way to help them out.  Overall Score – +3

2:Stuttering

Cons – The main negative is that it takes forever to get an idea out when you think of something.  Another big one is that it is a hidden disability, which you would think is good that people can’t tell that you’re a stutterer right away, however it is kind of like false advertising – you talk to a girl and she thinks you are normal, then you start stuttering away and she is dissapointed vs. like not having an arm where the other people can tell right away and there is no let down moment.  Remember, under-promise & over-deliver.  The last negative is that it rules out any job or position that involves speaking with people on a regular basis.  I once dealt with a stuttering person who was my account manager and I had to terminate our agreement eventually because his calls took forever.  Overall Con Rating – 3/10

Pros – A huge positive here is that it must be so much easier to lie for stutterers, right?  Anytime you want to you can fake a stutter to buy yourself a couple extra seconds to think.  Girlfriend questions your whereabouts the night before?  I have to come up with something right on the spot, if I had a stutter I could stutter out the first 3 or 4 words and give myself a solid 30 seconds or so to think it through.  I lie a lot, and by a lot I mean almost everything I say is a lie.  And whenever I’m caught off guard by a line of questioning and start stammering and stuttering around the person can tell that I’m lying.  Not so if I had a stutter.  Then stuttering and stammering about would be how I reacted to every question, not just when caught off guard.  Another smaller pro is that I think people like sleeping with stutterers more so than non-stutterers.  Sleeping with a stutterer is the ultimate confidence raiser.  Sleep with a normal girl and you get, “Oh, you’re so good…” if you’re sleeping with a stutterer that suddenly turns into, “Oh-oh-ohhh, yo-you’re so go-go-goo-oo-ood..”  Now, tell me that wouldn’t make you feel like a champ.  Overall Pros – 8/10

Difference – +5  Sympathy Factor – -1, nobody really feels bad for a stutterer.  They are more mocked than sympathized with.  Overall Score – +4

1:Memory Loss

Cons – I really had a tough time coming up with any negatives for this.  I really have no good childhood memories I would miss.  My parents still maintain that the happiest they ever saw me was when they told me I had to empty the dishwasher and I went to empty it and the dishes were still dirty so I didn’t end up having to do it.  They said I danced around the house in joy.  That should shed some light into a very dismal childhood that I don’t think memory loss would really hurt so much.  The only real negative is that you can’t hold a steady job or retain any information.  This would be quite a negative blow to my Trivial Pursuit game as I am generally considered undefeated in the game.  And I guess when you think of any good ideas you would have to write them down or you would have no chance of remembering, but I am pretty much at that stage already.  Overall Cons – 3/10

Pros – Every day is a new day, literally.  The unbeleivable college basketball championship game that took place last night – people could tell me that the game was tonight and I could watch a taped version of it and relive that thrill over and over again.  I could live in a recurring world where everyday was Super Bowl Sunday or the 2001 World Series.  Is that such a bad life?  I don’t think so.  Goodfellas is a masterpiece of a movie, but even I get sick of watching it the 5th straight day.  With memory loss – no such problem.  I could live very happily in my small bubble of a world.  It would just be held up upon my family/friends telling me that each day was the 2004 Kentucky Derby and that I bet on Smarty Jones to win.  I think I could genuinely be happy.  Overall Pros – 9/10

Difference – +6  Sympathy Factor – +2, I think people feel genuinely very bad for others with memory loss and would do whatever it takes to help out and make this peron’s life as full as possible.  Overall Score – +8

So memory loss it is in a blow out.  In fact after going through this it’s 50/50 I don’t try to enact this upon myself.  I think it is a pretty solid list.  Beforehand I thought being deaf would definitely be one of the top 1 or 2 disabilities, but after going through all of the pros and cons it only showed up 5th on my list. 

If you disagree with this list, feel free to post your own rankings of these disabilities or any others you think would be better to have and we can discuss.  

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5 Things That I Am Glad Are Not Masculine

April 2, 2008

I strongly recommend reading the last post before this one.  It will help put everything in a little bit more context.

Now, moving on to a sister post from the last one which was “5 Things That I Wish Were Masculine” is this list of “5 Things That I Am Glad Are Not Masculine”.  There are certain times in a given day or week where things happen and I sit back and count my lucky stars that those actions are not considered masculine.  If any of the items below ever become considered masculine it will be a dark day in American society for males. 

And yes, this is also a feeble attempt to gain back some manliness after the last post. 

5:Caring About Your Appearance                                                        For all of the metrosexual guys who are “raising the bar” for how every guy has to dress all I have to say is, “What are you thinking?”  I will never understand why people would choose to get dressed up and put gel in their hair.  Don’t guys understand that women need us – if we all banded together we could get away with wearing sweatpants and having hat hair all of the time.  But nooo, certain guys have to put gel in their hair and throw on fancy shirts.  Why would they do this?  Why would they choose to be uncomfortable rather than in sweatpants?  Every guy should look down and if you see yourself in anything other than sweatpants you should right now curse every metrosexual.  It’s not so bad right now for guys, but it’s heading down a treacherous path.  I couldn’t be happier that right now dressing nicely is not considered manly and that we are allowed to get away with 3 day old stains and mis-matching outfits. 

4:Doing Volunteer Work                                                                       There’s two types of giving back.  Giving back with your wallet and giving back with your time.  It just so happens, and I didn’t make it so, that the gender divide has made it acceptable – even encouraged – for men to donate money to charity and for women to donate their time.  Now, is it acceptable for a man to go to Costa Rica to re-build houses for the homeless?  Yes, sorta.  Nobody will call him “gay” for doing this, however he will still be a notch if not two or three notches below his fellow man and will have to endure the other guys mouths saying things like, “Oh, how many houses did you build?” while their faces say things like, “So, you still think you can save the world? How cute.”  And I couldn’t be happier about this.  I am thrilled that I can just write a check and clear my conscious rather than having to actually get up and do something and it’s perfectly acceptable by society’s standards.  I fully agree that people should get up and give back, just as long as it’s other people.  Look, my parents worked long and hard to provide me with a good life – I’m not going to throw it back in their face and live on a migrant farm helping children to read.  My parents would say, “Why did we work hard to send you to a top college?  So that you can go work on a migrant farm?  Get a job.”  So I’m going to stay in my nice air conditioned apartment with my nice TV so that my parents know I appreciate all that they have done for me.

3:Crying to Someone Else                                                                Now, after reading the last post (#2) you may be surprised to see this entry on this list – let me explain.  There is a huge difference between crying and crying to someone else.  There is a huge difference between sitting around watching a movie and crying your eyes out and calling your friend to cry about something going on in your life.  The first one I wish was considered masculine while the second I thank God every night that it’s not.  I couldn’t imagine a male friend of mine ever calling me in tears to complain about a girlfriend or his job.  I couldn’t imagine anything worse.  If this was considered acceptable in society I would definitely have to get rid of the three friends I currently have.  It’s bad enough when my girlfriend calls me crying because her boss may or may not have given her a mean look.  Every time she calls me crying I immediately take a deep breath, mull over any possible outs I have, come to the realization that the next hour of my life is gone forever, then go and turn on a sporting event with the TV muted.  To any girls reading this I would bet that 85% of the time you are crying on the phone to a guy he is watching sports on mute.  This is another testament to how great sports are as it’s the only thing you can watch on TV on mute and enjoy just as much.  It’s not that I don’t care that she’s upset, I, of course, don’t want her to be upset – I just don’t want to be the one to have to make her feel better.  The only thing acceptable to call crying about is anything health related within family/friends and pets that you’ve had for over 12 years.  That’s it.  Anything else, it’s life – you’ll get over it.

2:Cheerleading                                                                                           I defy anybody reading this to come up with anything positive to say about cheerleading.  And, keep in mind, there is a difference between cheerleding and cheerleaders.  I can think of positive things about cheerleadersa positive thing to say about cheerleaders, namely that some of them are hot.  That’s it.  That’s all they’ve got.  I promise that you’ll never read a headline that says, “Cheerleader Cures Cancer!” or “Cheerleader Saves Baby From Burning Building!” It just won’t happen.  Now, for all of the pointlessness of cheerleaders, at least some of them are attractive to watch dance.  If cheerleading was considered masculine and I had to sit and watch grown men dance during timeouts I think I would be forced into giving up sports.  And if I had to give up sports I have no idea how I would cope with my girlfriend calling me in tears.  If #’s 3 and 2 were both considered masculine I think my head would explode.

1:Working With Kids                                                                               I worked at a summer camp for one summer with a bunk of 4 year olds.  And all I can tell you definitively about kids is that they pee a lot – kids peed on my shoes, peed on my towel, and I do not want to even get started on the pool.  I don’t even think they filled the pools with a hose, I think they just had the kids pee to fill it up.  But, hey, at least the water was warm.  Just thinking about how working with those little mongrels as a male is considered dainty makes me smile.  I will fight vehemently to make sure it stays this way.  And kids are just so dumb.  My current adult co-workers are moronic enough, I don’t think I could handle children’s antics all day.  This goes into action until kids get to about senior year of high school or college.  Then I wouldn’t mind working with them because at this point you can really shape their mind into thinking exactly what you think.  I could raise a whole generation of kids who hate inane things like camping & bowling and who sit and criticize everything from the comforts of their own home while never contributing anything themselves.  On second thought, maybe that’s not such a good idea.

If you feel there’s anything I missed that you are glad is not masculine please chime in.  Or if you just want to tell me how smart I am, that’s acceptable as well. 

Also, it seems people like lists more than my usual posts.  Can you people not follow regular posts?  Everything has to be numbered for you to follow?  If I numbered my paragraphs would that help?  But either way, I will try to post an interesting list once a week.  So, if you want to skip my regular posts – check back next week as I count down the top 5 disabilities I wouldn’t mind having.  Enjoy.