5 Things That I Am Glad Are Not Masculine

April 2, 2008

I strongly recommend reading the last post before this one.  It will help put everything in a little bit more context.

Now, moving on to a sister post from the last one which was “5 Things That I Wish Were Masculine” is this list of “5 Things That I Am Glad Are Not Masculine”.  There are certain times in a given day or week where things happen and I sit back and count my lucky stars that those actions are not considered masculine.  If any of the items below ever become considered masculine it will be a dark day in American society for males. 

And yes, this is also a feeble attempt to gain back some manliness after the last post. 

5:Caring About Your Appearance                                                        For all of the metrosexual guys who are “raising the bar” for how every guy has to dress all I have to say is, “What are you thinking?”  I will never understand why people would choose to get dressed up and put gel in their hair.  Don’t guys understand that women need us – if we all banded together we could get away with wearing sweatpants and having hat hair all of the time.  But nooo, certain guys have to put gel in their hair and throw on fancy shirts.  Why would they do this?  Why would they choose to be uncomfortable rather than in sweatpants?  Every guy should look down and if you see yourself in anything other than sweatpants you should right now curse every metrosexual.  It’s not so bad right now for guys, but it’s heading down a treacherous path.  I couldn’t be happier that right now dressing nicely is not considered manly and that we are allowed to get away with 3 day old stains and mis-matching outfits. 

4:Doing Volunteer Work                                                                       There’s two types of giving back.  Giving back with your wallet and giving back with your time.  It just so happens, and I didn’t make it so, that the gender divide has made it acceptable – even encouraged – for men to donate money to charity and for women to donate their time.  Now, is it acceptable for a man to go to Costa Rica to re-build houses for the homeless?  Yes, sorta.  Nobody will call him “gay” for doing this, however he will still be a notch if not two or three notches below his fellow man and will have to endure the other guys mouths saying things like, “Oh, how many houses did you build?” while their faces say things like, “So, you still think you can save the world? How cute.”  And I couldn’t be happier about this.  I am thrilled that I can just write a check and clear my conscious rather than having to actually get up and do something and it’s perfectly acceptable by society’s standards.  I fully agree that people should get up and give back, just as long as it’s other people.  Look, my parents worked long and hard to provide me with a good life – I’m not going to throw it back in their face and live on a migrant farm helping children to read.  My parents would say, “Why did we work hard to send you to a top college?  So that you can go work on a migrant farm?  Get a job.”  So I’m going to stay in my nice air conditioned apartment with my nice TV so that my parents know I appreciate all that they have done for me.

3:Crying to Someone Else                                                                Now, after reading the last post (#2) you may be surprised to see this entry on this list – let me explain.  There is a huge difference between crying and crying to someone else.  There is a huge difference between sitting around watching a movie and crying your eyes out and calling your friend to cry about something going on in your life.  The first one I wish was considered masculine while the second I thank God every night that it’s not.  I couldn’t imagine a male friend of mine ever calling me in tears to complain about a girlfriend or his job.  I couldn’t imagine anything worse.  If this was considered acceptable in society I would definitely have to get rid of the three friends I currently have.  It’s bad enough when my girlfriend calls me crying because her boss may or may not have given her a mean look.  Every time she calls me crying I immediately take a deep breath, mull over any possible outs I have, come to the realization that the next hour of my life is gone forever, then go and turn on a sporting event with the TV muted.  To any girls reading this I would bet that 85% of the time you are crying on the phone to a guy he is watching sports on mute.  This is another testament to how great sports are as it’s the only thing you can watch on TV on mute and enjoy just as much.  It’s not that I don’t care that she’s upset, I, of course, don’t want her to be upset – I just don’t want to be the one to have to make her feel better.  The only thing acceptable to call crying about is anything health related within family/friends and pets that you’ve had for over 12 years.  That’s it.  Anything else, it’s life – you’ll get over it.

2:Cheerleading                                                                                           I defy anybody reading this to come up with anything positive to say about cheerleading.  And, keep in mind, there is a difference between cheerleding and cheerleaders.  I can think of positive things about cheerleadersa positive thing to say about cheerleaders, namely that some of them are hot.  That’s it.  That’s all they’ve got.  I promise that you’ll never read a headline that says, “Cheerleader Cures Cancer!” or “Cheerleader Saves Baby From Burning Building!” It just won’t happen.  Now, for all of the pointlessness of cheerleaders, at least some of them are attractive to watch dance.  If cheerleading was considered masculine and I had to sit and watch grown men dance during timeouts I think I would be forced into giving up sports.  And if I had to give up sports I have no idea how I would cope with my girlfriend calling me in tears.  If #’s 3 and 2 were both considered masculine I think my head would explode.

1:Working With Kids                                                                               I worked at a summer camp for one summer with a bunk of 4 year olds.  And all I can tell you definitively about kids is that they pee a lot – kids peed on my shoes, peed on my towel, and I do not want to even get started on the pool.  I don’t even think they filled the pools with a hose, I think they just had the kids pee to fill it up.  But, hey, at least the water was warm.  Just thinking about how working with those little mongrels as a male is considered dainty makes me smile.  I will fight vehemently to make sure it stays this way.  And kids are just so dumb.  My current adult co-workers are moronic enough, I don’t think I could handle children’s antics all day.  This goes into action until kids get to about senior year of high school or college.  Then I wouldn’t mind working with them because at this point you can really shape their mind into thinking exactly what you think.  I could raise a whole generation of kids who hate inane things like camping & bowling and who sit and criticize everything from the comforts of their own home while never contributing anything themselves.  On second thought, maybe that’s not such a good idea.

If you feel there’s anything I missed that you are glad is not masculine please chime in.  Or if you just want to tell me how smart I am, that’s acceptable as well. 

Also, it seems people like lists more than my usual posts.  Can you people not follow regular posts?  Everything has to be numbered for you to follow?  If I numbered my paragraphs would that help?  But either way, I will try to post an interesting list once a week.  So, if you want to skip my regular posts – check back next week as I count down the top 5 disabilities I wouldn’t mind having.  Enjoy.

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